Why it is hard to answer "How do you feel?"
Someone asks, "How do you feel?" and your mind goes quiet. Maybe you can tell something is going on, maybe you cannot. Either way, nothing comes to say.
It can be hard to answer "How do you feel?" because the question asks for two things at once: sensing what is happening in your body, and finding a word for it. Some autistic adults and some adults with ADHD describe this. This page takes them one at a time.
What helps when "How do you feel?" makes you go blank?
Guidance pages and people's own accounts describe a few ideas. You can take one, or none.
- Starting with the body: you can ask yourself, "What is my body feeling right now?" and begin with physical sensations before linking them to an emotion [6].
- Naming the situation: you can say what is happening around you and what you notice, without choosing a feeling word yet.
- Choosing from a list: an emotion wheel or a feelings chart gives you words to point at [6][7].
- Letting someone offer options: a partner or friend can gently suggest possible feelings for you to consider [7]. You decide whether any of them fits.
- Answering later: you can ask to come back to the question once you have had time to think [6].
- Saying what you need: you can skip the feeling and tell the person what would help right now.
How can you start with the body?
A body check gives you something to observe. Things people look for:
- a fast heart, sweaty hands, a tight jaw, tight shoulders
- an empty or fluttering stomach, a lump in the throat
- heavy arms, a restless urge to move, shallow breathing
One guidance page suggests pausing during the day to check in with the body, and says brief notes can help you recognise emotional patterns over time [6].
There is a word for sensing what your body is telling you: interoception. It covers signals such as heartbeat, hunger, breathing or tension [4]. Some autistic adults describe finding these signals hard to tell apart [5].
If paying attention to your body makes you more uneasy, the other ideas on this page do not need it.
What if you name the situation instead of the feeling?
Describing the situation is another way to answer.
For example:
"I'm in a loud place and my chest is tight."
"It's been a long day and my head feels heavy."
"Something feels off, and I can't say what yet."
How can a list of words help?
A list turns an open question into a choice. Some guidance describes emotion wheels with a wide range of words, such as agitated, hopeful or withdrawn [6]. One account describes a chart with more specific words, instead of only happy, sad or mad, that helped the person connect to what they felt [6].
For ADHD, a guidance page suggests rating a feeling as mild, moderate or strong, a way to say something without the exact word [7]. The same page describes phone reminders as a nudge to pause and ask what you are feeling [7].
Feelings charts, emoji tools and mood apps are described as made for visual thinkers [6]. Art, music or writing are also mentioned as ways to show a feeling, then connect it to a word later [6][7].
What can you say to the other person?
An honest answer can be short. One page suggests telling people close to you that "I don't know how I feel" is an honest answer and not avoidance [6]. The other gives a similar sentence: "Sometimes I genuinely don't know what I'm feeling in the moment" [7].
Two phrases from the guidance:
"Can I tell you later after I think about it?" [6]
"I'm not sure yet, but I think something's off." [6]
If the feeling stays out of reach, you can say what would help instead. These are Mindum's own wording:
"I can't say how I feel yet. I could use some quiet."
With someone you trust, you can ask for options too. This builds on the idea that partners can gently suggest possible feelings to consider [7]:
"Can you give me two or three words to choose from?"
When words stop altogether, When you can't find the words has short sentences to say or show on a phone.
Why is it hard to answer "How do you feel?"
Researchers study two things that may be involved, and they can overlap. One is sensing the body [4]. A 2025 review of 17 articles found five studies comparing people with and without ADHD, three with children and two with adults. In three of the five, the ADHD group showed lower interoception. The authors rated study quality as moderate [2].
The other is finding the word. Alexithymia is a research word for finding it hard to identify and describe feelings. It is usually measured with a questionnaire called the TAS-20, which asks about difficulty identifying feelings, difficulty describing feelings and externally oriented thinking [1]. A score above the line it sets describes how someone answered the questionnaire, not a diagnosis.
Is it common to go blank when asked how you feel?
These studies measure alexithymia scores, which is related but not the same thing. About 1 in 10 adults in a German general-population sample of about 1,900 scored above the line [3].
A combined analysis found that on the questionnaire, about half of the autistic participants scored above the line, compared with about 5 in 100 of the non-autistic participants. That also means about half did not. Across the nine studies that used the questionnaire, results ranged from about a third to about 63% [1]. The questionnaire was tested mostly with autistic people with lower support needs, so the picture may be incomplete.
About this article
- The practical ideas come from two guidance pages, linked below, and from people's own accounts quoted there. The numbers come from studies of groups: autistic adults, adults in the general population, and people with ADHD (children and adults).
- The sentences without a source number, the "naming the situation" and "saying what you need" ideas, the examples of body sensations, and the split of the question into two jobs are Mindum's own wording and ideas. You can change the sentences to suit you.
- If difficulty naming feelings causes distress or gets in the way of eating or daily life, or comes with changes in mood, a clinician who knows neurodevelopmental conditions can look at it with the person.
- Physical sensations such as a racing heart, tight chest or breathlessness can have medical causes. If they are new, strong or keep happening, a clinician can look at them.
Sources
- Kinnaird E, Stewart C, Tchanturia K. Investigating alexithymia in autism: a systematic review and meta-analysis. European Psychiatry. 2019;55:80-89. doi:10.1016/j.eurpsy.2018.09.004
- Bruton AM, Levy L, Rai NK, Colgan DD, Johnstone JM. Diminished interoceptive accuracy in ADHD: a systematic review. Psychophysiology. 2025;62(2):e14750. doi:10.1111/psyp.14750
- Franz M, et al. Alexithymia in the German general population. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology. 2008;43(1):54-62. doi:10.1007/s00127-007-0265-1
- Khalsa SS, et al. Interoception and mental health: a roadmap. Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging. 2018;3(6):501-513. doi:10.1016/j.bpsc.2017.12.004
- Trevisan DA, Parker T, McPartland JC. First-hand accounts of interoceptive difficulties in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. 2021;51(10):3483-3491. doi:10.1007/s10803-020-04811-x
- Guy-Evans O. Autism and alexithymia: when emotions are hard to identify. Simply Psychology. Reviewed by S McLeod, PhD. Published 3 July 2025. simplypsychology.org/autism-and-alexithymia.html
- Guy-Evans O. ADHD and alexithymia: when emotions are hard to identify. Simply Psychology. Reviewed by S McLeod, PhD. Published 2 July 2025. simplypsychology.org/alexithymia-and-adhd.html
By Mindum. An app to track and regulate emotions, energy, and focus.
