How to tell a partner or family what you need
You get home. Someone asks how the day went, and the words are not there. Or the TV is on, the dishwasher is running, and you cannot follow what is being said.
When you tell a partner or family what you need, a simple order can help: first say what happens to you, then say what would help. Wanting something from the people close to you is part of any close relationship, and finding the way to say it can be the tricky part.
Below are four ways to make the talk easier, ten sentences you can use as they are or change for a partner or for family, and what people describe about feeling understood by a partner.
What makes it easier to explain a need?
It helps to begin with the plain version. The National Autistic Society's page for partners of autistic people notes that an autistic partner may not be able to tell from behaviour alone that the other person needs support or reassurance. It advises being open about what you are thinking, what you feel and what you need from them [5].
The moment matters too. ADDitude's Edward Hallowell describes bringing up how ADHD affects the relationship at a set time, and not during an argument. His example is a regular slot each week, at the same time and place, also used for planning and problem solving [7].
Writing can say it for you. The same National Autistic Society page says an autistic partner may prefer to discuss things in writing, because it gives more time to process, and it suggests clear language in an email or text [5]. ADDitude's Melissa Orlov suggests a short letter or email that explains people process information differently [8].
And you can ask for a repeat back. Orlov describes the listener saying what they heard, starting with "So you're saying...". The speaker can then correct it, and nobody has to feel attacked [8]. You can ask for this yourself:
"Could you tell me what you heard, so I can check I said it clearly?"
None of these is a rule. Different days and different people suit different ones.
What can you say when you do not know where to start?
Most sentences below have two parts: what happens to you, and what you would like. You can change any of them until they sound like you.
Two machines are running, a partner starts telling you about the week, and the trouble is the room:
"When the TV and the dishwasher are both on, I can't follow what you're saying. It would help me if one of them were off."
Someone asks about your day the moment the door closes. You do want to talk, just not yet:
"When I come in, I have no energy left to talk. Could I have some quiet first and then talk with you?"
A question comes at dinner, the words do not arrive, and the silence is being read as disinterest:
"When I go quiet, it is often because the words have not come yet. I'd like to answer by message."
A partner explains a plan, your attention drifts, and you want to stay in the conversation:
"Sometimes my attention drifts while you're talking. I still care about what you're saying. Could you say it once more?"
A family member texts that dinner has moved to another place. The new plan is fine, and the short notice is what is hard:
"When plans change with little notice, it is hard for me. It helps me to hear about changes as early as you can."
A partner asks what is wrong and you cannot say. You would like help finding the words in a short exchange:
"Sometimes I say I'm fine when I'm not, because I can't find the words yet. Could you ask me questions I can answer with yes or no?"
A family member says "it's a bit warm in here" and means the window:
"When a request comes as a hint, I often miss it. It helps me when requests are said directly."
Before a family dinner with many people and a loud room, said before you need a break:
"At the gathering, the noise gets too much for me. I'll step out to a quiet room now and then, and I'll come back."
In a shared kitchen where the sink has been full for days and starting is the part that stops you:
"When the dishes pile up, I get stuck on starting. Could we pick one thing and do it together?"
When you want to bring something up at a time you choose:
"There's something I'd like to talk about. When would be a calm moment for you?"
If you need to leave early or want some space, there are more sentences in sentences for leaving early or needing space. And at work, asking for questions in writing is another request that fits into a sentence.
What helps the other person understand?
Guidance pages and people's own accounts point to a few things.
One is naming the difference. Orlov suggests explaining that people without ADHD tend to think more linearly than people with it, and telling the other person that your questions are meant to clarify what they said [8].
Another is direct, literal wording. The National Autistic Society describes some autistic people finding metaphors, idioms and sarcasm harder to understand, and using direct language themselves [6]. The sentence about hints above says the request outright for this reason.
Time helps as well. The same page suggests breaking spoken information into parts and allowing extra processing time [6]. You can say "I need a moment to take that in", or ask for the same thing in writing.
Learning about it is a fourth. Hallowell suggests that a partner who learns more about ADHD can understand their spouse more, and he recommends books on it [7].
What do people describe about being understood by a partner?
In a 2025 interview study in the United Kingdom, 16 autistic adults who were gender or sexual minorities talked about explicit communication as a way to understand each other's needs and boundaries. Some people with non-autistic partners described feeling understood, though this involved "having to explain things somewhat". The authors described understanding as effort from both partners. One person compared it to "learning each other's languages" [1].
A 2025 Irish survey collected written answers from 335 adults with ADHD about how ADHD affected romantic relationships. Some wrote that they did not have the words or the self-knowledge to explain their struggles to a partner. Some described partners reading inattention as disinterest or as not listening. Some felt more understood by a partner who also had ADHD [2].
Two more interview studies look at partners from the other side. One describes communication, support and care between partners where one is autistic [3]. The other describes coping steps, such as learning about ADHD and setting limits, among women whose partners have ADHD [4].
About this article
- The ideas come from interview and survey studies, guidance pages from the National Autistic Society and ADDitude, and people's own accounts. The ten sentences, and the short lines for asking for a repeat back and for a moment to take something in, are Mindum's own wording.
- The studies are with autistic adults and with adults with ADHD, in separate studies, and are about romantic relationships. The sentences are written so they can also be adapted for family.
- The sentences are for situations where stating a need is safe. If a partner or family member frightens you, controls what you do, or reacts badly to you stating a need, a clinician or a service that supports people in unsafe relationships can talk it through with you.
Sources
- Ciric T, White LCJ, Allison-Duncan C, Maloney E, Gillespie-Smith K. "It's quite difficult to put Autistic relationships in a box": a qualitative exploration of romantic relationships in gender and sexually diverse Autistic adults. Autism. 2026;30(3):682-694. Published online 2025. doi:10.1177/13623613251407765
- O'Brien M, Kini-Seery C, Kelly C, Kilbride K, Wrigley M, Nearchou F, Bramham J. "I felt like a burden": an exploration into the experience of romantic relationships for people with ADHD. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 2026;52(1):e70097. Published online 2025. doi:10.1111/jmft.70097
- Smith R, Netto J, Gribble NC, Falkmer M. "At the end of the day, it's love": an exploration of relationships in neurodiverse couples. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. 2021;51(9):3311-3321. doi:10.1007/s10803-020-04790-z
- Zeides Taubin D, Maeir A. "I wish it wasn't all on me": women's experiences living with a partner with ADHD. Disability and Rehabilitation. 2024;46(14):3017-3025. doi:10.1080/09638288.2023.2239158
- National Autistic Society. Family relationships: a guide for partners of autistic people. autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners.aspx. Accessed 14 October 2026.
- National Autistic Society. Autism and communication. autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/communication/tips. Accessed 14 October 2026.
- Hallowell E. 10 ways to balance ADHD with a happy marriage. ADDitude, updated 8 April 2024. additudemag.com/marriage-advice-adhd-adult-relationships
- Orlov M. Say what? Translating my ADHD spouse. ADDitude, updated 11 March 2022. additudemag.com/say-what-translating-my-adhd-spouse
By Mindum. An app to track and regulate emotions, energy, and focus.
