Why replying to a text can feel so big
The message is open. You know roughly what you want to say, and the reply still does not get sent.
A text reply can ask for several things at once: the words, the tone, and a moment when you have room for them. Some people find that big. Three ideas people use are a short first reply, a holding message and a set time each day for checking messages. This page starts with the short first reply. If the message is already days old, another article covers replying to a message after days of silence.
Why can replying to a text feel so big?
A reply is more than typing. You choose what to say, how it will sound, and when to send it, and the message stays on the screen while you decide.
In a 2020 interview study, 18 autistic adults linked difficulty with communication to both how they felt and to who they were talking with and where [1]. That study was not about texts, and it is one piece of background.
What is a short first reply?
A short first reply is one or two sentences that answer the question, or only say the message arrived. The full answer can follow later.
A friend asks whether Saturday works, and you know it does:
"Yes, Saturday works. I'll send details later."
A relative sends a long message with several questions:
"Got your message. Quick answer to the first one: yes. More soon."
A colleague asks for a file, and you need to find it first:
"Saw this. I'll send it once I find it."
A short reply can be one piece of the answer.
What is a holding message?
A holding message says that you read the message and that a full reply is coming. It answers nothing yet, and it lets the other person know the message arrived.
A friend wrote at length about something that matters to them:
"I read this and I want to answer it properly. I'll reply when I can think it through."
An invitation came in, and you need to check your plans:
"Thanks for asking. I'll let you know."
You can also say in advance how you reply, so the other person knows what a quiet stretch means. Caroline Maguire, a coach writing for ADDitude, suggests telling friends up front that you sometimes forget to text back and that you do want to see them [2]:
"I do read what you send. I sometimes reply in two steps, a short one first and the full one later."
What can a daily check time look like?
A daily check time is a fixed point in the day for going through messages. Some people with ADHD describe versions of it.
An ADHD coach on an Understood podcast describes setting a time each day to recheck the day's messages and catch any that were missed. The coach adds important ones to a task list for the day [3].
An ADDitude article by Novotni suggests a short, regular slot for messages, calendar alerts, and a note of when you last spoke to each person. It says contact does not have to be substantial [4].
A check time and a short first reply can be combined: at the check time, each message gets a short reply or a holding message, and the full answers go on the list.
What do autistic adults say about online contact?
Some autistic adults describe writing as a way to keep contact on their own terms.
In a 2021 University of Bristol survey, autistic adults generally preferred email to phone calls when contacting people or organisations they did not know [5]. With friends and family, they liked face to face, and also email and text messages [5].
A 2021 review of 32 studies, with autistic youth and adults, found people describing more control over how they communicate online. Some said online contact made friendships easier to make and keep. The review also reports drawbacks, and the authors call the evidence early [6].
What can the ideas look like together?
One way to put the ideas together: a waiting message gets one sentence that answers part of it, or says it arrived, and the full answer waits for a later check time. You can change any of the lines above until they sound like you.
About this article
- The sentences to send, the short first reply, the holding message and their pairing with a check time are Mindum's own wording and ideas. No study was found that measures how much effort a reply takes for these groups. The daily check time comes from the Understood and ADDitude pages [3][4], and the note to friends from ADDitude [2].
- The studies are with autistic adults [1][5] and with autistic youth and adults [6]. The 2020 interview study and the 2021 Bristol study are read from their abstracts [1][5], and the review from its PubMed Central page [6].
Sources
- Cummins C, Pellicano E, Crane L. Autistic adults' views of their communication skills and needs. International Journal of Language & Communication Disorders. 2020;55(5):678-689. doi:10.1111/1460-6984.12552 (abstract only)
- Maguire C. Bad texter? Worse caller? 6 ways to rekindle cold friendships. ADDitude. Updated 9 May 2025. additudemag.com/bad-texter-how-to-keep-in-touch-with-friends-adhd
- Understood. Tips from an ADHD coach: Ghosting. Mis/Understood podcast, 25 June 2024. understood.org
- Novotni M. Socializing Made Simple. ADDitude. Updated 4 March 2021. additudemag.com/socializing-made-simple
- Howard PL, Sedgewick F. "Anything but the phone!": Communication mode preferences in the autism community. Autism. 2021;25(8):2265-2278. doi:10.1177/13623613211014995 (abstract only)
- Hassrick EM, Holmes LG, Sosnowy C, Walton J, Carley K. Benefits and Risks: A Systematic Review of Information and Communication Technology Use by Autistic People. Autism in Adulthood. 2021;3(1):72-84. doi:10.1089/aut.2020.0048
By Mindum. An app to track and regulate emotions, energy, and focus.
