Plans changed last minute: what to say and ask
A message comes in. The dinner has moved to another day, or the meeting is cancelled, or the new time is an hour earlier. You had built the day around the old plan.
Two questions cover most of it: what exactly is changing, and when and where the new version happens. Below are those, a plan B, a moment before answering, and ways to use time that opens up, with sentences you can borrow. A strong reaction to a change is common, and it does not mean being difficult. You do not need all of these. One is enough. If a later appointment is what keeps you from starting anything, Waiting mode: when an appointment stops you starting looks at that.
What can a changed plan take away?
A plan gives a day its shape. When it changes, the shape changes too.
Autistic adults in the UK interviewed during the COVID-19 lockdowns described losing routines that gave them safety. Many also said they had arranged their lives to limit unexpected changes [1].
Adults with ADHD describe leaning on schedules, lists and reminder apps once adult life has fewer built-in routines [2]. A changed plan can alter what a list was built around. A CHADD article by a psychologist suggests anticipating likely changes in work and family plans [3].
Autism and ADHD can pull in different directions here. One part of you may need the old plan and another may welcome the new one. Both are common.
What can you ask to make the new plan clear?
In a 2025 study, autistic adults tended to prefer options with predictable outcomes, and the authors suggest clear, precise communication [4]. The National Autistic Society's page on routine and predictability says autistic people value knowing what is going to happen in advance, and suggests involving the person in planned changes [5].
Some sentences to borrow:
"I need a moment to adjust. Can you tell me what exactly changes?"
"Can you send the new time and place in writing?"
"Is the new plan final, or could it change again?"
Having the new time and place in writing means there is one message to look back at. Some people with ADHD put it next to the reminders and lists they already use.
What can help in the first moment?
A reply does not have to come at once. The National Autistic Society page suggests allowing time for processing [5]. That advice is written for people supporting autistic people, and some people use it for themselves.
"Thanks for telling me. I'll think about it and answer in a bit."
"I've seen this. I'll reply once I've looked at my day."
A short pause can give room to look at the new plan before saying yes or no.
What if a plan is cancelled?
For some people, a cancellation takes away the plan and also the preparation that went into it. Some people use the same questions: what happens to the day, and whether another day can be set now.
"Okay, thanks for letting me know. Could we pick a new day now?"
"That's disappointing, I had planned around it. Could we pick a new day?"
What if someone changes the plans again?
When a plan moves more than once, some people ask for a point at which it stays fixed.
"This is the second change. Can we keep this version?"
"Could you tell me when the plan is final?"
Some people also keep a small amount of space around the plan, such as leaving early, so a second change disrupts less.
How can a plan B be built early?
A plan B is a second version made before it is needed. The National Autistic Society page suggests making a plan B and a plan C, preparing ahead, and adding extra time into a schedule for unexpected changes such as travel delays [5]. The CHADD article suggests a backup plan for important events [3].
A few examples:
- For a meetup outdoors, a second place indoors.
- For a long evening out, a shorter version that ends earlier.
- For a dinner that might move, a simple meal at home already in mind.
A plan B can be one line in a note, written when the plan is first made.
What can you do with the time that opens up?
When a plan is cancelled, the time is there and the day has no shape. Some people decide before it happens what that time is for. A short list can sit in a note: something put off, something restful, or nothing at all. A note to yourself can read: "This slot is free now. I'll pick one thing from my list, or leave it open."
About this article
- The ideas come from the National Autistic Society and CHADD guidance pages, studies with autistic adults, and a review of adults' own accounts of ADHD. The guidance pages are suggestions from their authors. The 2025 study was read from its abstract.
- Putting the new plan in writing next to existing reminders, a moment before answering, deciding in advance what to do with the time that opens up, and all the sentences are Mindum's own wording and ideas, and you can change any of them to sound like you.
Sources
- Realpe AX, Mills N, Beasant L, Douglas S, Kenny L, Rai D. Lockdown experiences and views on future research participation of autistic adults in the UK during the first 6 months of the COVID-19 pandemic. Autism in Adulthood. 2023;5(3):301-310. doi:10.1089/aut.2022.0027
- Ginapp CM, Macdonald-Gagnon G, Angarita GA, Bold KW, Potenza MN. The lived experiences of adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a rapid review of qualitative evidence. Frontiers in Psychiatry. 2022;13:949321. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2022.949321
- Heller CA. Routines for times of uncertainty. CHADD, Attention magazine. February 2022. chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-news-adults/routines-for-times-of-uncertainty
- Macchia A, Albantakis L, Zebhauser PT, Brandi ML, Schilbach L, Brem AK. Autistic adults avoid unpredictability in decision-making. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. 2025;55(12):4234-4246. doi:10.1007/s10803-024-06503-2 (abstract only)
- National Autistic Society. Preference for order, predictability or routine. autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/about-autism/preference-for-order-predictability-or-routine
By Mindum. An app to track and regulate emotions, energy, and focus.
