What to say to start a conversation at a party

A short question about the place, the food, the music or the weekend is one way to start a conversation. A National Autistic Society guide for autistic adults suggests having some questions or introductions ready beforehand ^[1]. Below are ten short lines, ideas from guidance for autistic adults and for adults with ADHD, and what research says about how first conversations go.

What can you say to start a conversation at a party?

A question about the moment you are both in is a simple way in. The National Autistic Society (NAS) guide lists weather, TV, films, books, music and weekend plans as topics, and says some people may enjoy these small talk topics.

You can change any of these until they sound like you.

Next to the food table, with someone who is also looking at it:

"Have you tried anything yet? I can't decide what to try first."

Near the host, with someone you have not met:

"How do you know the host?"

When the room is loud and you would like an easy question:

"Do you have any plans for the weekend?"

Next to a bookshelf, a record player or someone wearing a band shirt. NAS says a shared interest gives you common ground to start and keep a conversation going ^[1]:

"I noticed your shirt. Do you listen to them a lot?"

How can you join a group that is already talking?

You can ask first and listen for a moment. An ADDitude article by a psychologist, written for adults with ADHD, suggests asking before joining a conversation that is already going, listening first to what the group is talking about, and asking a person nearby what is being discussed ^[2].

At the edge of a group:

"Mind if I join? What are you talking about?"

What can you say to keep a conversation going?

Guidance pages mention short phrases that invite the other person to say more. An ADDitude article lists "tell me more" as a way to keep a conversation going ^[3]. The first ADDitude article also suggests repeating back what you heard, and asking questions without so many that it feels like an interview ^[2].

When the other person has said something and you would like to hear the rest:

"Tell me more about that."

To show you followed:

"So the flight got cancelled?"

In an interview study, five autistic adults, each with a chosen partner, described several questions in one turn and "why?" questions as unhelpful ^[4]. One question at a time is a small way to apply that.

What can you say to step away or start again?

A plain sentence is enough. The ADDitude article on first impressions suggests "Can we begin again?" when a start goes differently than you meant ^[3].

When a first sentence came out wrong:

"Can we begin again?"

When you would like some water or a break:

"I'm going to get some water. I enjoyed talking with you."

When the noise is getting to be a lot and you plan to come back:

"I'm going to step outside for a bit."

More sentences for leaving are in What to say to leave early or when you need space. If the party is a family gathering, Holiday and family gatherings when it is too loud has ideas for quiet spots and agreed breaks.

What do autistic adults say helps in a conversation?

In an English interview study, five autistic adults each talked with a chosen non-autistic partner over several months. They described these as helpful: saying at the start what kind of conversation it is, agreeing topics beforehand, quieter places, partners using their own words, and an equal say. They described interruptions, many people talking at once, fast talking and long sentences as unhelpful. The partners were mostly support workers, so the findings may not apply everywhere ^[4].

NAS notes that pauses, turn-taking and interruptions can shape how a conversation feels for some autistic people ^[5]. It suggests finding out what to expect before a social situation, and making connections with people who share your interests ^[5].

What do adults with ADHD describe?

A 2022 review of 35 qualitative studies found that adults with ADHD described hesitating to start conversations, and described supportive partners and friends as helpful. The people in those studies were mostly young or middle-aged adults ^[6]. In a 2023 focus-group study of 43 adults aged 18 to 35, recruited online, people described being misread and finding written messages harder than talking face to face ^[7]. An ADDitude article says new acquaintances may read hyperactivity or inattention as disinterest ^[3].

Guidance writers for adults with ADHD offer a few ways to handle the moments in between:

• An ADHD coach on Understood suggests writing a thought on paper or a phone so it can wait, and using a hand gesture and then waiting for a turn, so the thought stays in the conversation ^[8].
• The same coach suggests coming back later with a sentence such as "I know we've moved on, but I have some thoughts about what you were saying earlier." ^[8]
• CHADD's Attention magazine suggests short clarifying questions, repeating back what you heard, and inviting the other person to continue after an overlap ^[9].

If you have both autism and ADHD, you can use ideas from both sections.

Why can a first conversation feel uneven between two people?

Researchers have studied what happens between two people, not only what one person does. The results differ between studies.

In a 2020 study of 72 adults in Edinburgh, people retold a story along chains of eight. Chains of only autistic adults and chains of only non-autistic adults passed on similar amounts of detail. Chains mixing both lost details faster and rated rapport lower than chains of non-autistic adults ^[10]. A larger 2025 study with 311 people found no difference in how much information passed along, and non-autistic chains still reported higher rapport ^[11].

In a second 2020 study, autistic pairs and non-autistic pairs each reported more rapport than mixed pairs, and non-autistic pairs rated higher than autistic pairs. The authors read this as a mismatch between two interaction styles ^[12]. In a 2025 study of groups of four, groups of only autistic adults and groups of only non-autistic adults reported similar rapport overall, and both reported more enjoyment and friendliness than mixed groups ^[13].

Outside observers add part of the picture. In a 2017 US study, 214 university students watched short clips of 20 autistic adults and 20 other adults. First impressions of the autistic adults were less favourable, and the difference was not significant when the students read only a transcript of the words, which points to how observers react to a style ^[14]. These are group averages, and many first conversations go well.

Taken together, these studies fit one theory: part of the difficulty lies between two styles and in how observers judge a first meeting. They do not say how any one conversation will go. Recovering after time with people covers the time after the party, and When you can't find the words has short sentences for the moments when speech is slow.

About this article

• The lines in quotes are Mindum's own wording, with a few phrases that echo the guidance pages. You can change them to sound like you. The other ideas come from guidance pages (National Autistic Society, ADDitude, Understood, CHADD's Attention magazine) and from studies.
• The studies on conversation and rapport are with autistic adults. The ADHD material comes from a review and a focus-group study, plus guidance pages written by a psychologist, a coach and magazine authors. These are guidance pages, not studies.
• If gatherings you would like to attend stay out of reach for a long time, a clinician who knows autism or ADHD can look at that with you.

Sources

1. National Autistic Society. Making friends: a guide for autistic adults. Last reviewed and updated 11 August 2020. autism.org.uk
2. Saline S. How to have a conversation when you have ADHD (page title: The ADHD guide to naturally flowing conversations). ADDitude. Updated 12 May 2025. additudemag.com
3. Novotni M. 6 ways to make good first impressions (ADHD adults). ADDitude. Updated 10 May 2021. additudemag.com
4. Silver K, Parsons S. Perspectives of autistic adults on the strategies that help or hinder successful conversations. Autism & Developmental Language Impairments. 2022;7:23969415221101113. doi:10.1177/23969415221101113
5. National Autistic Society. Communication tips. No review date shown; opened 16 October 2026. autism.org.uk
6. Ginapp CM, Macdonald-Gagnon G, Angarita GA, Bold KW, Potenza MN. The lived experiences of adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a rapid review of qualitative evidence. Frontiers in Psychiatry. 2022;13:949321. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2022.949321
7. Ginapp CM, Greenberg NR, Macdonald-Gagnon G, Angarita GA, Bold KW, Potenza MN. The experiences of adults with ADHD in interpersonal relationships and online communities: a qualitative study. SSM Qualitative Research in Health. 2023;3:100223. doi:10.1016/j.ssmqr.2023.100223
8. Understood. Tips from an ADHD coach: interrupting. Published 9 July 2024. understood.org
9. Hammer C. Maintaining friendships. Attention (CHADD), June 2022. chadd.org
10. Crompton CJ, Ropar D, Evans-Williams CV, Flynn EG, Fletcher-Watson S. Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism. 2020;24(7):1704-1712. doi:10.1177/1362361320919286
11. Crompton CJ, Foster SJ, Wilks CEH, Dodd M, Efthimiou TN, Ropar D, Sasson NJ, Lages M, Fletcher-Watson S. Information transfer within and between autistic and non-autistic people. Nature Human Behaviour. 2025;9(7):1488-1500. (abstract only) doi:10.1038/s41562-025-02163-z
12. Crompton CJ, Sharp M, Axbey H, Fletcher-Watson S, Flynn EG, Ropar D. Neurotype-matching, but not being autistic, influences self and observer ratings of interpersonal rapport. Frontiers in Psychology. 2020;11. (abstract only) doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.586171
13. Foster SJ, Ackerman RA, Wilks CE, Dodd M, Calderon R, Ropar D, Fletcher-Watson S, Crompton CJ, Sasson NJ. Rapport in same and mixed neurotype groups of autistic and non-autistic adults. Autism. 2025;29(7):1700-1710. (abstract only) doi:10.1177/13623613251320444
14. Sasson NJ, Faso DJ, Nugent J, Lovell S, Kennedy DP, Grossman RB. Neurotypical peers are less willing to interact with those with autism based on thin slice judgments. Scientific Reports. 2017;7:40700. doi:10.1038/srep40700

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